Mom Chronicles: I wanted a baby, not a husband

This post has been sitting in my ‘Draft’ box for a couple of months now. Mainly because my feelings on motherhood and the choices I am making along the way are mixed and personal.

I am finally sitting down to write this post because I can’t get it out of my head and I believe if something stays with you (in your heart, your head, your gut…), you should see it through.

I also think that many women struggle with what I struggle with and I want to use my blog as a sounding board for all things related to motherhood.

“Why?”, you ask. Good Question.

Motherhood is a hell of a thing to go through in life. Everyone’s story is different-the where, when, how, why you became a mother varies. The process of conception, trimesters, delivery–all different. When that feeling takes a hold of each mother is different–The love for my children started the moment I saw their human-shaped bodies on the ultra-sound. Not the sea-turtle body that babies evolve into after a couple of months. The beautiful thing is, that even with all of its differences, there is one absolute constant: motherhood changes your way of life forever.

Becoming a mother absolutely rocked my world. It was something I always wanted and I wasn’t picky in the manner that it came to be. Due to my overly independent personality and the mind-set that I was going to become this Corporate America, female powerhouse, I was totally ok with raising a child without the presence of a father, having my own or adopting–it didn’t matter.

It just so happened that I fell in love, got pregnant, got married and now I am living the “2.5 kids and a dog (Junior, our German Shepard)”  American dream. And, let me tell you, I am so incredibly grateful that it worked out that way.

When I first met my husband, I was completely smitten– he was tall, dark, and handsome, smart, funny, super kind, we liked the same music, had the same kind of off-beat personality–it was amazing.

During our dating phase, I received news that I had abnormal blood cell formation, possible tumors, blah blah blah. I started spiraling through the memories of being 14 and having surgery to remove half of one of my ovaries which caused ridiculously abnormal periods and a more difficult (they claimed) path towards pregnancy.

Returning back to situation at hand, I went through a couple of procedures and the doctors determined that I could (in the most layman’s terms possible because it’s the best I can do) have my uterus frozen to prevent future issues. I could do this and my chances to have babies at that point would’ve been slim to none….more like “none”.

I decided that I needed to have a kid before I would agree to anything like that. After all, it didn’t matter that I wasn’t married–I had never really dreamed that up as my life. I knew that my boyfriend was head-over-heels in love and that the feeling was mutual, we both had good jobs and came from good families–no brainer, right?

Wrong. I was so wrong.

After I got pregnant, he did the most “ridiculous” thing and asked me to marry him. Seriously? Did he seriously ask me to marry him and potentially ruin this lovely relationship by throwing marriage into the situation? I declined his offer. I broke his heart and pissed him off simultaneously because, really, why would he be good enough to father a child with but not to marry?

I had no real answer besides the fact that I didn’t want to. Marriage seemed like the end of my anonymity, my…..everything.

Later on into the pregnancy, he asked again and I declined….again. It was getting ridiculous and when I say “it” was getting ridiculous, I mean that I was being ridiculous. I absolutely loved this man…the father of my unborn child…the person I actually saw my future with. The only difference was that the future I saw didn’t have me wearing a wedding ring.

 

 

 

 

Makenzie- My Wishes For You Are…

Milly, my love, my wishes for you are endless so, in order to keep this letter to a length that isn’t a chore to read, I will try to be short. Lord knows, I can be long-winded in conversations that are important to me and that personality trait transfers to my writing so forgive me if I don’t live up to the promise of a concise letter.

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I have loved you from the moment I saw your little bean-shaped body on the ultrasound. To be completely honest, I was not planning for another child so soon. I imagined RJ would’ve been out of diapers before you came along. When I found out I was pregnant,  “shock” is the appropriate word to describe how I felt. But when I saw your little bean shape, I was absolutely in love.

When I found out that you were a girl, a whirlwind of concerns, thoughts, questions, vows, etc. ran through my mind. How was I going to raise a strong, intelligent, thoughtful, kind baby girl in a world that consistently undervalues and diminishes women–women of color? How was I going to make sure that your self-worth remained strong enough to overcome the need to “find love” in all the wrong people and places? I’m still figuring it out and, even though I find myself calling your grandmother in tears because you are a hand full (to say the very least) and I am scared that I may not be doing your spirit and willfulness much justice, I think I’m doing ok.

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For you, I wish the world changes just enough to not taint you beyond repair. I wish that, when society tells you that you can’t, my voice will remain in your ear to remind you that society, as a whole, is a small minded idiot and you, absolutely, can do anything.

I wish that you will always love your hair as it grows out of your scalp–that you never feel the pressure to change your unruly curls in a manner that makes the people around you who are unlike you, more comfortable. I wish, for you, that you never feel the burden of making everyone else comfortable in your presence. I wish that you never seek to diminish yourself to fit into groups with people who will never fully understand you. I wish that you never seek to diminish your shine for anyone. ever. SAMSUNG CSC

I wish that love always outweighs hate for you and, at the same time, that you do not fall victim to the idea that everyone is deserving. I hope that you love yourself. I wish that, in making mistakes, you realize how easy it is to go astray and, because of that, you not judge others too harshly.

I wish that you could stay a baby forever and at the same time, grow into a phenomenal women and a genuine person.

I wish, for you, a sharp mind and wild eyes. Take it all in. Notice everything, ignore nothing, and store it away in your mind in a manner that gives you the ability to be no one’s fool and to be able to speak with purpose every time you open your mouth.

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I wish and hope and pray that you will always see me as your mother, your best friend, your confidant and your safe haven. Even if this is not always the case (because, realistically, most teenagers don’t really want to be best friends with their parents) just know that those things are always real. I will always be your mother, your best friend, your confidant and your safe haven. I will always be here for you, even when your preoccupied with the idea that you know better than I do and you can get along without following my advice.

Side Note: You will always know me to be real with you so let me just say, you will never know more than me and your life will go along much smoother if you listen to my advice. But if you want to do your own thing…whatever. I will always be around to help you when things fall through and to look at you with those eyes like, “I told you so. You’re hard-headed like your daddy.” But I will never say the words–because you will already know.

For you, my baby girl, I wish an extraordinary life. I have every reason to believe that this will be so because you are an extraordinary girl. You are the best parts of me and, at the same time, you are karma, reminding me of the headaches I’m sure I gave my own mother and that’s ok.You are everything I every wanted in a daughter.

I love you.

-Mom